They are trying to convince their boyfriends that they should all just drive to the beach to watch the sunrise.
He is an aggressive and inherently violent threat to society. Both insatiable and lazy, he is creator of chaos and maker of his own inevitable demise; he is forever guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.
He does not feel pain, or remorse, or empathy. As angry and volatile as their female counterparts, black men, by their very presence, give society reason to assume the defensive.
He is simultaneously invisible and ever present in the minds and lives of white America. A non-citizen, he holds no right to self-defense.
Debased, filthy and unworthy, black men, we are told, are sexual deviants incapable of either desiring or maintaining healthy, meaningful relationships.
In fact, at a recent fellowship dinner at Columbia Law School, a wealthy, white businessman told me that the biggest business problem occurring in America is the inability of black women to find [black] husbands. Upon picking my jaw off the floor, I concluded three important things: As a racially ambiguous woman, I have the privilege of changing the way society receives me at my discretion.
Sometimes I am black, other times I am Indian or Latina, or I may be French, or just a white girl who tans a bit too much. Sometimes I am intimidating or a race-baiting Angry Black Woman, but I can just as easily morph into innocent and approachable. And the company that most defines us A white girls burden, in fact, our choice in a mate.
When I choose to date a black man, I inevitably send a message to society about who I am and what I represent.
When I choose to date a black man, I choose to be ignored at bars, barred from clubs, humiliated by groups of drunken white men, or passed over by taxis. I choose to internalize their experiences of undervaluation, passed over promotions and emasculation. One night, a date and I decided to hit a local New Jersey bar.
As we approached the secured entrance, a white couple was also entering, walking only steps behind us. Before we could hand over our I. Ds, the white security guard informed us that we could not enter, as my date was violating the dress code; mere seconds later the white couple reached the door and was promptly let in — with the guy outfitted in the same ensemble.
We stood there gazing at one another, he obviously embarrassed, pondering the same silent question; should I say something or just take this as a loss and walk back to the car?
But, perhaps more shameful than being publically passed over is thinking that just maybe your life would be easier — better even — if you were dating a white man.
Shame on me is right. I still remember how I felt when I first dated a white man. Respectability politics were a non-factor. The ease with which this white man navigated the public sphere was simply amazing and I wanted that.
Dating was just easier. Life was just easier.
I felt safe and free and privileged. I realized I could choose whether or not my sons looked like Trayvon Martin, or my daughters like Marissa Alexander. But I also felt like an outsider. The ease I was afforded became mitigated by the fact that my otherness amplified in increasingly white situations; while part of self-identification lies in perception, a portion rests in reality.
No matter how I modified my company, as a conscious black woman, I knew I was different and could not shake that suspicion of being exoticized by white men; I could never fully trust these relationships were real because at the end of the day I was still black.
The feelings I experienced that fateful night at the bar, and admittedly many times thereafter, now evoke the wise words of Malcolm X: Accepting that my seemingly personal decisions regarding who will occupy my company or my body, is a high task.
This piece originally appeared on For Harriet.
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I ended up reading your "The Burden of Dating Black" which brings me to the reason for writing you. I appreciate your openness and candor as I do for most people your age. I would just like to share a few comments that I hope will be as interesting for you as your article was for me.
First, you obviously have balls to put your stuff out there like this and I am not here to criticize or analyze you. That being said, a little about me: I am a Black man and widely regarded as well educated though down to earth. I am just now completing editing on my latest book about human nature.Feb 24, · My boobs, my burden They aren’t the breakable, thigh-gapped girls you see on Victoria’s Secret posters; they’re plus-sized models with voluptuous bodies, their breasts bigger than DDs.
Sociologist Amy C. Finnegan provides a critical analysis of the movement behind the Kony campaign and how this unique form of activism coalesces with the biographies of the activists, who are notably white, privileged, Christian, adolescent females.
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